Recently I posted something about trauma.
Not religion, TRAUMA. Not forgiveness, TRAUMA. Not bitterness, TRAUMA.
Here is the exact quote:
“Stop telling people to just get over the past. Trauma is not about something that happened in the past. It’s about how that Trauma has left its IMPRINTS on the brain and body.”
Here is a response from a friend from the past to my quote: “There are wicked people that do us wrong often throughout our lives and forgiveness is difficult to offer to those who have violated us, but, it’s imperative that we must do it, so that bitterness doesn’t reign in us.”
Please, friend from the past, please show me where in this quote, you have assumed I have not forgiven and that I’m bitter? Where? And how did a post about trauma become about forgiveness and bitterness?
Is it because you know my personal story of being abused within the church?
Honestly, I get it. I really do. I understand how you could make that quote about forgiveness and bitterness. I get it because, that’s how we were raised to think within the church. Everything becomes about forgiveness and bitterness instead of honestly understanding willfully inflicted trauma, its effects on the victim, the church, and what to really do about it and how to responsibly handle it. It’s just easier to make it about forgiveness and bitterness. Right? Instead of really understanding trauma, victims, pastors who rape, and silent church members?
I know you meant your words to be “helpful” and you “meant well”. And, some would say, just overlook it and move on. But, no, that can’t happen anymore.
Because it’s not helping anyone. It’s triggering. And wrong.
In actuality, I have imprints left on my brain, as do many other survivors, because of these very kind of comments. Those comments trivialize trauma. And, they’re manipulative and silencing. Comments like these have absolutely nothing to do with trauma. They are empty, religion wrapped words that are said out of “well meaning” yet complete ignorance.
TRAUMA is individual, complex, multidimensional, and physiological with a wide variety of responses.
I’ve always believed when there is sexual abuse {TRAUMA} from within the church, you absolutely have spiritual abuse intertwined with it. They go hand-in-hand. You can’t have one without the other. Trust me, it’s one of the most difficult things to try and unravel. Trauma within the church is horrifically convoluted. When trauma within the church isn’t dealt with, the imprints from that trauma alone are things only a survivor understands. Survivors are left with shame, guilt, and feelings of unworthiness, and yet all the while we’re hearing from the pulpit that we are worthy and Jesus took all our shame and guilt. {Except for the shame and guilt you’re left with because you’re being raped by a “God loving” pastor}.
So yes, the imprints are deep and ugly.
So, your “well meaning” words that sound proper and religious make it just that much harder. Survivors from within the church are fighting years and years of careless words with no understanding being thrown at them. It’s insensitive and destructive.
Are forgiveness and bitterness areas to be confronted in our lives? Yes. But, by carelessly throwing those words at survivors at their expense as they try to overcome the imprints of trauma? No. Not until there is careful understanding, and education. Because you can’t make trauma just about forgiveness and bitterness.
Joy R.
trauma leaves footprints in the brain-100%. thank you for saying what you said-people trivialize all the time-the intent is silence, because the truth sometimes is uncomfortable, but necessary.
I went to HAC in 1983-1986-lived in the dorms and worked on Security-hallwalker first, then frontdesk dispatcher. I worked for Clyde Wolfe and Mark and Lyle were our Sergeants. I knew your Dad better than your Mom because CF was always putting me in the line of fire for one thing or another. I want you to know how heartbreaking it was to hear about the violent attacks made against you and the leverage and threats made to your family to cover it up for the Kingdom of God. It was devastating to me that JH and co wielded that much power over good God-fearing people like your Mom and Dad.
Your Dad always looked out his office window when “disciplining me” a far away look; but I can tell you that he listened both with his reason and his heart. I always felt heard and he never gave me not 1 demerit….I usually got in trouble for “thinking for myself” vs following the 1,000 rules-lol and he would patiently listen to my sequences and reasoning —I just remember him being so kind to me. I really like your Mom too, but she had her crew and they wouldn’t let peasant folk like me near her. I had married a preacher boy from HAC, but the marriage failed for some very serious and warped reasons and I will leave it at that. my maverick heart moved me out of that situation, because I was literally dying on the inside. I still have fond memories of HAC and dear friends; but as the truth bubbles to the surface-it does help me to understand why I always felt “something was up” at the church and college. couldn’t put my finger on it, but the devil really was in the house of the rising son….so to speak…running amok. All the revelations are EYE-opening and I thank you for your courage and bravery to speak your truth….God Bless on your Journey of Healing
I firmly believe when people tell you to “get over the past” they are saying that to shut you down because they cannot handle the truth and do not wish to listen and process the truth. in their eyes; sweeping sexual abuse under the rug is the easiest and best way to end the issue with the least casualties.
However, what these unempathetic persons do not realize by doing that, you are only harming the victim worst than actually allowing and helping the victim with the processing, prosecution of the abuser(s) and giving the victim the tools and understanding of how to best and with the most conviction move on with their lives. While the memories and trauma will never be able to be taken back and while the brain chemical transformations and in some cases sexual organs will never be able to be reversed back to their original state; at least the victim is given support from someone that will always be in their corner.
UNFORTUNATELY, in a lot of family situations the victim is made to be the perpetrator, the tornado in the family and / or scape goat (black sheep) and that is UNFORGIVABLE !!
In my situation, my mother took away my rights for prosecution. The state of Indiana never offered me representation or a lawyer to help navigate the prosecution waters. Now as a grown adult that knows better than what a weak mother couldn’t handle to be done when the abuse was brought to light – I don’t have the right to prosecute because of the statute of limitations. Therefore, the truth will NEVER be placed on the books and in history as it should have been back in 1988 !! To this day, my father is not labeled as a sex offender and families that live near him are not given the proper notice as they should be because my mother was weak, embarrassed and not a supportive person of me, the judicial process or in healing her family of the atrocities her husband committed. Additionally, there are concerns I am not his only victim but we will never know because of my mother’s poor decision.
Wake up Indiana – you MUST lift the statute of limitations; if you don’t you are personally responsible for anyone victimized by someone you protect by the statute of limitations !!
I firmly believe when people tell you to “get over the past” they are saying that to shut you down because they cannot handle the truth and do not wish to listen and process the truth. in their eyes; sweeping sexual abuse under the rug is the easiest and best way to end the issue with the least casualties.
However, what these unempathetic persons do not realize by doing that, you are only harming the victim worst than actually allowing and helping the victim with the processing, prosecution of the abuser(s) and giving the victim the tools and understanding of how to best and with the most conviction move on with their lives. While the memories and trauma will never be able to be taken back and while the brain chemical transformations and in some cases sexual organs will never be able to be reversed back to their original state; at least the victim is given support from someone that will always be in their corner.
UNFORTUNATELY, in a lot of family situations the victim is made to be the perpetrator, the tornado in the family and / or scape goat (black sheep) and that is UNFORGIVABLE !!
In my situation, my mother took away my rights for prosecution. The state of Indiana never offered me representation or a lawyer to help navigate the prosecution waters. Now as a grown adult that knows better than what a weak mother couldn’t handle to be done when the abuse was brought to light – I don’t have the right to prosecute because of the statute of limitations. Therefore, the truth will NEVER be placed on the books and in history as it should have been back in 1988 !! To this day, my father is not labeled as a sex offender and families that live near him are not given the proper notice as they should be because my mother was weak, embarrassed and not a supportive person of me, the judicial process or in healing her family of the atrocities her husband committed. Additionally, there are concerns I am not his only victim but we will never know because of my mother’s poor decision.
Wake up Indiana – you MUST lift the statute of limitations; if you don’t you are personally responsible for anyone victimized by someone you protect by the statute of limitations !!
I firmly believe when people tell you to “get over the past” they are saying that to shut you down because they cannot handle the truth and do not wish to listen and process the truth. in their eyes; sweeping sexual abuse under the rug is the easiest and best way to end the issue with the least casualties.
However, what these unempathetic persons do not realize by doing that, you are only harming the victim worst than actually allowing and helping the victim with the processing, prosecution of the abuser(s) and giving the victim the tools and understanding of how to best and with the most conviction move on with their lives. While the memories and trauma will never be able to be taken back and while the brain chemical transformations and in some cases sexual organs will never be able to be reversed back to their original state; at least the victim is given support from someone that will always be in their corner.
UNFORTUNATELY, in a lot of family situations the victim is made to be the perpetrator, the tornado in the family and / or scape goat (black sheep) and that is UNFORGIVABLE !!
In my situation, my mother took away my rights for prosecution. The state of Indiana never offered me representation or a lawyer to help navigate the prosecution waters. Now as a grown adult that knows better than what a weak mother couldn’t handle to be done when the abuse was brought to light – I don’t have the right to prosecute because of the statute of limitations. Therefore, the truth will NEVER be placed on the books and in history as it should have been back in 1988 !! To this day, my father is not labeled as a sex offender and families that live near him are not given the proper notice as they should be because my mother was weak, embarrassed and not a supportive person of me, the judicial process or in healing her family of the atrocities her husband committed. Additionally, there are concerns I am not his only victim but we will never know because of my mother’s poor decision.
Wake up Indiana – you MUST lift the statute of limitations; if you don’t you are personally responsible for anyone victimized by someone you protect by the statute of limitations !!
I firmly believe when people tell you to “get over the past” they are saying that to shut you down because they cannot handle the truth and do not wish to listen and process the truth. In their eyes; sweeping sexual abuse under the rug is the easiest and best way to end the issue with the least casualties.
However, what these unempathetic persons do not realize by doing that, you are only harming the victim worse than actually allowing and helping the victim with the processing, prosecution of the abuser(s) and giving the victim the tools and understanding of how to best and with the most conviction move on with their lives. While the memories and trauma will never be able to be taken back and while the brain chemical transformations and in some cases sexual organs will never be able to be reversed back to their original state; at least the victim is given support from someone that will always be in their corner.
UNFORTUNATELY, in a lot of family situations the victim is made to be the perpetrator, the tornado in the family and / or scape goat (black sheep) and that is UNFORGIVABLE !!
In my situation, my mother took away my rights for prosecution. The state of Indiana never offered me representation or a lawyer to help navigate the prosecution waters. Now as a grown adult that knows better than what a weak mother couldn’t handle to be done when the abuse was brought to light – I don’t have the right to prosecute because of the statute of limitations. Therefore, the truth will NEVER be placed on the books and in history as it should have been back in 1988 !! To this day, my father is not labeled as a sex offender and families that live near him are not given the proper notice as they should be because my mother was weak, embarrassed and not a supportive person of me, the judicial process or in healing her family of the atrocities her husband committed. Additionally, there are concerns I am not his only victim but we will never know because of my mother’s poor decision.
Wake up Indiana – you MUST lift the statute of limitations; if you don’t you are personally responsible for anyone victimized by someone you protect by the statute of limitations !!